I'm Still Here

If I knew how to insert the 'girl hand waving emoji' into a blog I'd probably have already typed it as though to say hey, I'm still here. There's been a few weeks of silence around here due to packing, goodbyes, life, travel and settling back into the place we call home. It has been such a whirlwind and as Isla turned six weeks old this past Friday I find myself asking where has the time gone? It seems like the harder I try to hold onto these newborn days, soaking up her jolted movements, big stretches, sweet sounds and sleepy moments, they slip right between my fingers. Time is such a thief yet I am grateful for each passing moment, the good and the bad to learn and to grow, to become a little better. Time is a surely the greatest gift and one so often taken for granted.

I've been putting a lot of thought into who I am and the person I am trying to become lately. Despite how much busier life has become, being at home on a daily basis is also giving me more time to reflect. I'm seeing more clearly things I don't love about myself, like how much patience I'm lacking and the amount of chocolate covered gummy bears I rely on eating to make it through the day. Whoever told me three kids was a walk in the park must have angel kids because dang, my girls give me a run for my money. I feel desperate at times trying to make time for each girl and their needs. It feels like all or nothing most days; either everyone wants my attention or the baby is sleeping and the older girls are playing happily in their room. Girl emotions are so extreme.

Here's the thing, I just really want to keep moving forward and becoming better. Behind all the pictures and the highlights of our life, I truly struggle. I am human. I am hurting. It feels like the second we get over one hurdle, another one is placed in front of us. Right now, I am just trying to find balance as I weigh out decisions and keep moving forward to be that person I want to become. I want others to feel happy when they are around me. I want to be someone who is uplifting. I want to recognize the needs of others and act on it. I want to be a source of comfort. I want to be a positive example to my girls in all that I do. I don't want to raise my voice. I want to discipline with love, with intent, to teach. I don't want to simply survive each day but I want to thrive. I want to live. I want there to be purpose in all that I do. I'm still here guys and I am ready to beat these trials.